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War on Rather

Reported by Nancy - September 16, 2004 -

Andy Borowitz wrote a great piece of satire/news parody that nailed this whole issue.

CBS Newsman Tops Voters' Concerns in New Poll

The reelection bid of President George W Bush received some positive news today in the form of a new poll showing voters giving him high marks in the war on CBS newsman Dan Rather. The poll, with a margin of error of 5 percentage points, asked likely voters, "Who do you trust more in the war against Dan Rather, President Bush or Senator John Kerry?"

According to the survey, 97% chose Bush while only 2% said Kerry was better equipped to fight the war on Rather. Perhaps even more encouraging to Bush -- & potentially more troubling for Kerry -- a majority of voters now says that the war on Rather is their number one concern, topping such other election-year issues as Iraq & the economy. One such voter, Ray Pauling, 56, expressed a typical view: "Bush leaves you feeling like he'll do everything in his power to destroy Dan Rather, but Kerry doesn't even talk about it."

But even as voters express confidence in Bush's ability to fight & eventually eradicate Dan Rather, there are lingering concerns among likely voters that Bush might be distracted by another war: the war on Kitty Kelley. "We're spreading ourselves too thin if we think we can fight Dan Rather & Kitty Kelley at the same time," said Jack Dooley, 43, a self-described "undecided" voter.

In other political news, the Republican National Committee announced that, effective immediately & continuing through November 2, Bush's campaign speeches will be simulcast in English.