If Bill O'Reilly is the commander-in-chief of the War on Christmas, Gretchen Carlson is the head of the women's auxiliary. (She admits that her Christmas zeal is what got her a "culture warrior" spot on Bill's show) For Gretch, Christmas is for Jesus only! Who cares about court cases that require Nativity scenes on public land to be balanced by other displays cuz of that pesky "wall of separation" thingie that right wing Christians, like Gretch, so despise. And what really frosts Gretch's Christmas cookies is the presence of the "Festivus Pole," a comic device from a Seinfeld episode, near the Baby Jesus. One such pole, in the Washington State House, prompted Gretch to utter her most famous quote: "I'm all for free speech and free rights, just not on December 25th." Flash forward to 2013 and Gretch is still mighty pissed about Festivus poles.
Tuesday, Gretchen discussed "mockery of Christianity" with her "faith" panel of religion contributors, American Athiest David Silverman, Orthodox rabbi (can't have any of those librul "Reform" Jews onboard) Shmuley Boteach, and the homophobic, anti-Semitic (Hollywood Jews love oral sex), pedophile priest defender, Cardinal Dolan pal, and head of the Catholic League Bill Donohue. The first topic was the request, by Satan worshippers, to erect a monument next to the Ten Commandments in front of the State House, the placement of which is being challenged by the ACLU. The request for equal treatment has provoked outrage from local politicians, one of is indignant because Oklahoma is a "faith based" state in a "faith based" nation. Hindus have also asked permission to set up a monument.
But none of this was discussed by Gretch who just couldn't contain her outrage. The rabbi, who recently ran for Congress as a Republican, said this "demeans America," American exceptionalism, freedom of religion, yadda, yadda. Gretch told Silverman that "you gotta agree with the rabbi." After Silverman argued that the US shouldn't favor one religion over another, she sputtered in anger about "craziness." Grech worked in her patented anti-PC outrage with her question of whether this offense ("going up against the Ten Commandments) shows "how far" PC has gone in this society. Donohue defended the placement of the 10 Commandments on public property.
Gretch interjected that "there's even a crazier topic out there." She played video from the Seinfeld "Festivus" episode and yelled "fake holiday, "fake holiday." She couldn't contain her indignation over a Festivus pole, made from empty beer cans, that's going to be erected at the Florida capitol, "I'm not kidding." She described it as a "protest" against the state Nativity scene. She shouted that she is "so outraged by this" and asked why she has "to drive around with my kids to look for a Nativity scene and be, like, ‘Oh, yeah, kids, look, there’s baby Jesus behind the Festivus pole made out of beer cans! It’s nuts." (Uh, she lives in Connecticut.)
For some unknown reason, Donohue referenced a court decision about gays in the NY St. Patrick's Day parade and came up with this gem: “We don’t have to have the Klan out there on Martin Luther King Day with their monuments right next to a bust of Martin Luther King. We don’t want to have neo-Nazis out there to stick it to Jews on Yom Kippur. And we shouldn’t have people out there ready to trash Christianity given that proximity.”
To Gretch's question of why "it's always on December 25th," Silverman responded "the season doesn't belong to Christianity." (Oh, no you didn't!) Gretch screamed about how 80% of the population is Christian. When Silverman, accurately, pointed out that Christians "stole" the Solstice, Gretch just couldn't believe it. (Saturnalia, Gretch?) When he said "Happy Festivus," she shouted "it's a fake holiday."
All I can say is "Festivus for the rest of us!" Oh, and about the beer can Festivus pole - Pabst, really? I guess if you're going for tacky....
With all my love,
Aunty Em Headly