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Glenn Beck Blames Health and Spiritual Problems On Walter Lippmann. Really.

Reported by Guest Blogger - October 14, 2010 -

By Aunty Em

Glenn Beck shocked his fans last week, leading to more prayers and the lighting of candles than you could shake a dashboard Jesus at, when he announced on his radio show he needed a few days off this week to get tested at an unnamed hospital “out west” using his unnamed Health Care Plan. Yet it didn’t take long before talk of his health problems led Beck right down the Crazy Rabbit Hole again <>, where everything bad can be blamed on progressives, even his own rotten health.

[Video from The Blaze, Beck's latest vanity project and his newest, shiniest money-making scheme.

I have told you before that I have been losing feeling in my hands and my feet and I have been feeling tingling in my hands and my feet, and it's traveling up my arms and it's just a very bizarre sensation. It almost feels like I'm wearing gloves at times because I was talking to my kids the other day about fingerprints and I couldn't, I couldn't feel my fingerprints and it was bizarre. And I thought if that was only true, man, I could be like a master thief.

Like the Pink Panther.

People with far more medical knowledge than me, say this sounds like small fiber neuropathy. So! Many! Fiber! Jokes! Of both the moral and dietary kind. However, health problems are nothing to joke about, especially what sounds like an extremely painful condition, so I will restrain myself. However, it’s worth pointing out that some of the causes for SFN are:

• Alcoholism, a chronic, progressive disease that can lead to nerve damage

• Autoimmune diseases, in which your immune system attacks and damages parts of your body, including your nerves
• Multiple system atrophy, a degenerative disorder that destroys the nervous system
• Other chronic illnesses such as Parkinson's disease and HIV/AIDS

And the symptoms include:

• A drop in blood pressure on standing (orthostatic hypotension), which can cause dizziness and fainting
• Trouble with urination, including diminished sensation, overflow incontinence and inability to empty your bladder completely, which can lead to urinary tract infections
• Male impotence

That’s heavy, man. And nothing to make fun of either.

That’s not Beck’s only health challenge. Earlier this year, Glenn also announced he was having trouble with his eyes—possibly a form of macular dystrophy—and could go blind within a year. I likewise restrained myself then. The gleeful possibility of making jokes along the line of “Beck Dumb and Blind,” “blind leading the blind,” and “There are none so blind as those that will not see” were outweighed by my basic empathy for humanity, something Beck knows nothing about. He would rather make fun of someone’s house burning down than turn a Socialist water hose on it. They don’t call him Mr. Empathy for nothing. Oh, wait. No one calls him that. Never mind.

However I couldn’t write about Beck losing his eyesight because I think that would almost be a fate worse than death for someone who likes to read, even if Beck doesn’t understand everything he reads. So I can have empathy for a man who displays nothing but apathy and a downright lack of compassion for all kinds of people, including and not limited to 9/11 Widows.

But because Beck keeps putting his health problems out there himself, it makes it so much harder for me to ignore. Who can forget the classic footage of him whining about his treatment after he had a boil on his ass removed or the irony of Beck being treated for appendicitis by the upstanding members of the SEIU, the same union he excoriates almost daily? To a writer like me, who would always prefer to make a joke than a point, it’s like having unlimited baseballs and he keeps climbing up into the Dunk Tank.

Despite that, I will continue to resist making fun of Beck’s health because it is simply not proper. However, there’s something about Beck’s latest public bid for sympathy and martyrdom that keeps nagging at me. It’s been a long time I’ve put Beck on the couch so it’s beyond time for another session. Tell Aunty what’s bothering you, Glenn.

J've seen five different doctors and I've got an incredible group of doctors who are, I think only one of them really hates me, and I have the other four watching that one.

You’re using jokes again to avoid talking about your feelings, Glenn. Dig deep. How does really make you feel?

But they're looking one of them said to me the other night, we have to do all of these blood tests because we have to look for toxins and poisons, and that word stuck out to me. And it's not poison like you know, it's like lead paint. And I'm like, no, I haven't been eating lead chips. And that word stuck out to me.
What do you think this poison is? Where do you think it comes from, Glenn?
I have cried out to the Lord a lot in the last four years. I couldn't cry out to him for that. That got me to thinking. A house divided against itself cannot stand. People will say about me, they have written about me. In fact, the New York Times just did their big piece and they said, "I don't think Glenn Beck even knows who he is."

You’re starting to sound awfully paranoid again, Glenn. Like when you said that the upcoming Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert rally is a progressive plot. Can’t you see how your paranoid ramblings just leaves you open to more people catching on to what a total whack job you are? Surely you must see how you brought most of that on yourself.

In some ways that is true. I know who I am. I am just like you.

Christine O’Donnell? Izzat you? Just kidding. Go on.

I am a guy who's trying to be better every day. I know who I am. But when they wrote that, it is so true because I don't know where I'm supposed to end up. I don't know how to do this.

I know that already. Let’s get back to the toxins in your body. Where do you think they come from?

The last 24 hours as I've been thinking about the doctors saying we're looking for toxins, we're looking for poisons in your body, I know what they are. For four years I have tried to understand the mind of what I believe are monsters. It started with Walter Lippmann. The first book that I closed and said I can't read this anymore was Walter Lippmann. And it was about how they can breed better people and how there are undesirables. I never finished the book. That was the first one. And for four years I have been trying to understand the minds of people that I think are so misled, and they are the exact opposite of what I have tried to be, what I want to be, what I strive for. But I have done it because I have to, I have to understand it, I have to see what's try to understand to explain what's coming, what's happening. And not for you but for my children.

I believe we can be better people. I believe in the American experiment. But I also believe there are very misguided people, and I have been drinking that poison, which others may not find poison, but I do because it is exact opposite of me. And I have been "That which you gaze upon, you become."

So, you’re blaming Walter Lippmann for your health problems now? While you’re “out west” do you also think you can have your head examined?

(Super-official, authorized transcript from Glenn Beck; annotated mashup by Aunty Em)

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