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The Beck Week That Was; Aunty Em Pens a Letter to Glenn

Reported by Guest Blogger - March 14, 2010 -

Guest blogged by Aunty Em

Dear Glenn: You simply outdid yourself this week. You were all over the media—and all over the map—so where do I start? Let’s dispense with the easiest first: The Massa Massage. So much has already been said about that fiasco—on News Hounds, elsewhere in the innertubes, the so-called MSM, and the various comedy shows—that anything I could tell you would be superfluous. I thought you had learned by now, the hard way, that when you prerecord your show, disasters like the Massa interview can be avoided.

However, one wonders just what the hell former-Congress critter Eric J. Massa was thinking by even coming on your show. The first rule of Tickle Fight Club is you don’t talk about Tickle Fight Club. Maybe that’s why you were unable lay a glove on him.

“Some people say” this single show on Tuesday could be the beginning of the end for you. Not only were the words “jumped the shark” used immediately after The Tickle Me Eric Hour, but the suggestion has been put forward* that hereafter the entire concept of shark jumping should be known as “Beck the Massa.” Personally, I don’t buy it. You’re at the top of your game.

What I have always admired about you, Glenn, is that you walk the walk and talk the talk. I know one reason some don’t take you seriously; you have such a rich, mellifluous Dee Jay-style voice, there are times, like when you advise your audience to “speak without fear,” it comes off more like a glib slogan. However, you’ve certainly proven yourself fearless by attacking one of the largest leaders of Progressive Socialism that ever lived—or died. Alex has already written an excellent essay about the backlash, Glenn, so I hardly need repeat it. I have to tell you, though, I was very disappointed to read that you had back-peddled and tap-danced all around your original comments. It took guts to come out against the original Community Organizer, Jesus Christ, not to mention His billions of followers, and you should have stuck to your guns—which you have to admit, beats fishes and loaves any day.

S’funny how the churches didn’t have a whole lot to say when you were just attacking ordinary, everyday, run of the mill, garden variety Progressives and comparing them to Marxists, Socialists, and mass murderers. I’m reminded of the poem by Pastor Martin Niemöller which begins, “In Germany they first came for the Communists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Communist…”

So what if attacking such a large group of people sows the seeds of your own destruction, Glenn? You can always stock up on some survival seeds from your newest sponsor, Survival Seed Bank. Between you, me, and the doorknob, it’s a good thing SSB came onboard, even if it does appear to be a scam. They replaced TurboTax, the 120th sponsor to drop your show like it’s a hot potato. I find it odd that TurboTax would deduct you a mere two days after the adverts started running on your show. And I felt humiliated for you when it was announced in a TurboTax Tweet.

Just shrug it off, Glenn, because you now have Survival Seed Bank to pick up the slack. Just one question: How did you manage to find a sponsor that ratchets up the doom and gloom exponentially from all those gold sponsors? Brilliant! Because, let’s face it, when the feces hits the rotary air-moving machine, all your gold bullion (amassing at the astonishing rate of more than $18,000,000 a year) simply won’t nourish you in the same way all those pies and éclairs you waste on your show will. Survival Seed Bank wants you to prepare for the coming Apocalypse, or the possibility your show will be cancelled, because “If you don't have the ability to grow your own food next year, your life may be in danger.”

In fact, it almost sounds like you wrote the ad copy on their web site, Glenn. If not, then it’s a good bet they’ve been watching your show and taking notes (just like me). Where else would they have gotten, “You don't have to be an Old Testament prophet to see what's going on all around us. A belligerent lower class demanding handouts. A rapidly diminishing middle class crippled by police state bureaucracy. An aloof, ruling elite that has introduced us to an emerging totalitarianism which seeks control over every aspect of our lives”? ‘Fess up, Glenn. Did you write that?

No matter. Despite the fact that you claim to be poorer than all your neighbours, it’s still a good thing you live in that big house with that nice big plot of land. I’m sure your neighbours won’t mind if you plant a few rows of corn, chard, eggplant and other comestibles. And for ONLY $149 “until we run out” those seeds sound like a bargain. It’s not like they grow on trees. Oh, wait!

I’m probably worried for you about nothing . You’ll have a long history at Fox News after that private conversation you had with an unnamed Fox vice-president in which he told you, “Glenn, everything you’re talking about is coming. Everything you’re talking about — everything you’ve been talking about for the last year and a half. It’s all here now. And what you’re saying is coming, I don’t see any other way.” It must be gratifying to hear that from one of your bosses, especially considering the loss-leader your show has become for the network. Even better when he adds, “Glenn, the answer is, you’ve been saying it for a while, but we have to convince the audience that this is really truly true. You are the key.”

All you have to do now is find the right lock and door, Glenn. I know you’ve been rattling a number of doorknobs to see which one clicks, but I have to be frank with you: you need to stay away from the door labeled “Music Criticism.” The last time you knocked you went after The Beatles’ “Revolution” to laughable effect. Considering The Beatles are the “toppermost of the poppermost,” it took guts, or hubris, to attack them. But this week you outdid yourself with a rare two-fer. Not only did you label Bruce Springsteen and his anthem “Born in the U.S.A.” Aunty Em Ericann, but you also attacked one of the greatest folk songs ever written about our great country, “This Land Is Your Land,” celebrating its 70th anniversary this year. Glenn?!?! Everybody loves that song. Yet, as you always do, you still made me laugh during that segment. When you revealed the name of the song-writer—as if you were revealing a huge secret—by saying, “Woody Guthrie, Communist,” < > I cracked up. It was as if that was his job title, like “Mike Jones, C.E.O.” and you were the first to uncover the news which you were not.

While on the subject of conspiracies, I gotta tell you that you’ve been over-playing your hand lately. On Friday you played a mini-documentary about Nazis that you assured us included unknown history being hidden by Progressives. You have also showed us old-timey footage of 20,000 people at a Nazi rally at Madison Square Gardens on February 20, 1939 and told us about the Bund Camps all over America. It’s hard to keep things like that quiet. In fact, I am sure it was in all the papers at the time. It’s also in so many history books that I’m surprised you hadn’t heard about it until recently.

Jews knew about it. Even Jews like myself, born after WWII, knew about it. You might say it was part of our history the Gentiles were trying to bury. I wouldn’t, but you might.

Which brings me to the biggest problem with your history lessons: whenever you just discover a new fact, you rush out and announce it to the world as if it’s the biggest secret ever revealed. Just because it’s new to you doesn’t mean it’s new to people who actually know the tiniest bit of history. What might have been more informative for your audience is, while you were showing that old-timey American Nazi footage, you might have also mentioned that Great Americans™ like Henry Ford, Charles Lindbergh, and Father Charles Coughlin also sympathized with the Nazi cause. I’ll forgive you if that’s simply something you haven’t learned yet, but you really need to bone up on some of this stuff that took place before you were born.

However, you did do a piece on Coughlin in the same show and we really need to talk about it. In one of my early columns, I compared you to Coughlin, the Royal Oak, Michigan priest. I explained how more than 25 years later my family would still spit whenever they drove past his architecturally beautiful National Shrine of the Little Flower at 13 Mile and Woodward. I was too young to understand why. Now comparisons between you and Father Charles Coughlin are a dime a dozen.

Frankly, I liked your mini-documentary about Coughlin. It was mostly accurate and you painted him as the anti-Semitic bastard he really was. However, you went off the rails when you said, according to your own transcript (which always differs wildly from what you actually say. You should fix that.):

I'm called many things by the left, because of my viewpoints. But the only thing that they really love to trot out over and over again is that I'm Father Coughlin.

Most people don't know who that is. But you need to know who he is. When you see, you'll see that it's laughable. It's a deep insult to be compared to him. But it's hysterical because it's such — it's so ridiculously inaccurate, it doesn't even make sense.

Yes, Father Coughlin was against communism. Yes, he was on the radio, like me. Yes, he was against the sitting president, FDR.

But it's weird, because that's where it ends — because he was initially a supporter of FDR. He was also wildly anti-Semitic — not me. He was for big unions. You know how I much I love the unions. And he's also for — and this is my favorite this is his magazine, an original copy from the day — he's also for "Social Justice," the union man. Yes. That's me in a nutshell, isn't it?

You’re missing the whole point, Glenn, or being disingenuous. No one ever said you shared a similar philosophy with Father Charles Coughlin. All people have said is that you are the same kind of loud-mouthed demagogue he was, spreading fear and hate throughout the land, this land was made for you and me.

You may have hit upon a good format with that Friday show, BTW. Those little mini-documentaries are short enough that they’re over before the audience’s mind starts wandering. I’m sure the ADD in you can appreciate that. I presume that’s the kind of thing you’re planning for your new web site that you’ve been hyping and previewing all week. You say Insider Xtreme [sic] will have documentary history lessons important for the viewers to learn about. How long did it take to peg the price at $4.58 a month for the Insider and $6.26 for the premium Insider Xtreme? Perfect! You found the right price-point for your audience; just enough so they think they’re getting something of value, but not so much they’d have to do without cigarettes and beer. But, why didn’t you just round those numbers off? And, if these documentaries are so important, why hide them behind a pay wall at all? It’s not like you need the money, unless you are running out of seeds.

One thing I need to take you to task for is that you’ve made my job harder. When I posted videos of you I’d get them from The Right Scoop, so I wouldn’t have to send people to the Faux Noise web site. However, Fox News claimed “intellectual property” and they were removed from YouTube. [I’ll agree that it’s “property,” but “intellectual” may be pushing it.] Now Fox is preventing The Right Scoop from embedding the videos on its blog. Now I have to look farther and wider than ever to find videos. Is there anything you can do about this, Glenn?

I need to sign off now, Glenn, because I have a life. However, remember that Facebook fan group I told you about recently, “Can this poodle wearing a tinfoil hat get more fans than Glenn Beck?”? I probably should have kept it to myself because it’s being muzzled too. I know you’re thin-skinned, but that parody page was really a compliment to your popularity. In other words: its bark was far worse than its bite. Now the page is being restricted. The membership, which was on track to top yours Glenn, has now stalled at 279,401. Your 737,300 fans are safe from being eclipsed. However, it’s far less fun than it used to be.

That’s all for this week, Glenn. I’ll write you again when I next find the time. However, it wouldn’t kill you to reply once in a while, would it?

With all my love,

Aunty Em

* By me