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The Glenn Beck Drinking Game

Reported by Guest Blogger - March 3, 2010 -

Guest blogged by Aunty Em

Out of a coffee shop patio in Sunrise, Florida came the amusing notion: What would a Glenn Beck Drinking Game look like? Many over-caffeinated minds spent almost no time whatsoever developing the rules and a few more minutes pushing it out over Blackberries and iPhones. In the way that only these things can, it went viral. It has now replaced Beer Pong on most college campuses—practically overnight.

Editor's Note: Please note the category: Progressive wit


“It takes much longer to get drunk playing Beer Pong,” hicced Phi Beta Kappa David Sousèd, when asked about the sudden attraction. That comment was representative of most collegians interviewed, when they were able to be shaken awake. However, also among the responses were several echoing Lou Anne Drûnkärd, who cited “The fabulous history lesson we’re getting once we’re a little sloshed and our mind’s been opened. They didn’t teach this stuff in school, unless it was on days I was hungover.”

The problem has become so acute it’s attracted the attention of administrators of institutions of higher learning across the nation. “We’re part of the Triple “E”; Elite Eastern Establishment,” explains University of I Don’t Know’s President Lionel Huffpo Van Jones, Esq. “We don’t need Glenn Beck indoctrinating our students about Conservative History, when we’re trying to cram Progressive History down everyone’s throat. How can we re-write history if he keeps bring it up?”

Several fraternities and sororities have already lost their charters for events that have taken place at so-called Beckchanalia Balls. These begin promptly at 6PM EST, when Glenn Beck signs off the air, and don’t end until the last pledge falls over. Some never fall over. Disturbances at these events have led to mass arrests in Arizona, Michigan, Georgia, Idaho, New Hampshire, and the District of Columbia (but only among the GOP). Violence has also broken out in isolated regions of Guam, which has military authorities on high alert.

News Hounds has been able to obtain the rules for The Glenn Beck Drinking Game from an anonymous Refounder. It is passed along merely for the news value. Check with your primary doctor before playing The Glenn Beck Drinking Game. May cause dizziness, vomiting and brain damage [which, oddly enough, happens with a control group that is also watching Beck, but not drinking].

If Glenn Beck…
• …mentions his Red Phone Take a sip
• …shows The Red Phone in the background Take a sip
• … picks up The Red Phone and waves it Chug-a-lug
• … calls someone in the Obama administration a Marxist Take a sip
• … calls someone in the Obama administration a Socialist Take a sip
• … calls someone in the Obama administration a Communist Take a sip
• … calls someone in the Obama administration a Fascist Take a sip
• … calls someone in the Obama administration a Brown Shirt Take a sip
• … calls someone in the Obama administration a disciple of Saul Alinski Take two sips
• … mentions Saul Alinski Take three sips
• … mentions people no longer in the Obama administration [Van Jones, Anita Dunn, etc] Chug-a-lug
• … uses his blackboard Take a sip
• … uses his blackboard with chalk Take two sips
• … uses his blackboard with a pointer Take three sips
• … uses his blackboard with chalk and a pointer Chug-a-lug
• … uses his blackboard with magnets only Take a sip
• … uses his blackboard with magnets and chalk Take two sips
• … uses his blackboard with magnets, chalk, and a pointer Chug a lug
• … uses any prop [frogs, éclairs, pie, pipe, lab coat, etc] Take a sip
• … mentions Andy Stern Take two sips
• … mentions the SEIU Take three sips
• … mentions the SEIU and Andy Stern Take four sips
• … mentions the SEIU scuffle and shows the tape again Chug-a-lug
• … mentions President Woodrow Wilson Take a sip
• … calls President Woodrow Wilson an S.O.B. Take two sips
• calls President Obama an S.O.B. Chug-a-lug the bottle

EDITOR’S NOTE: At this point Aunty Em, who had been both playing and transcribing the game for News Hounds, checked herself in to a rehabilitation clinic. Hopefully she will dry out in time for her next column.