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The Beck Year That Was

Reported by Guest Blogger - December 27, 2009 -

Guest blogged by Aunty Em

It’s been a banner year for the Glenn Beck Contraption, purveyor of tee vee and radio shows, books, live stage performances, DVDs, mugs, bumper stickers, t-shirts, and a myriad of other crap. I was pondering just how far he’s come this year when his Money Machine cranked back into life for another week. It became evident (to me) fairly early Monday that the week would be nothing but canned shows and Glenda would at home, or wherever multi-millionaires spend the holiday, safely protected in his bulletproof Christmas Sweat(er).

[The previous reference needs no explaining to Facebookers who play Mob Wars. This festive season one can ‘purchase’ a “Bulletproof Xmas Sweater” for 25 Favor Points. It gives the owner +18 Attack points and +32 in Defense. See pic below.]

My first clue? It was a wankfest in which authors Ted Bell, Rick Paul Evans <>, and Brad Meltzer participated. Ostensibly the show was all about whether we need “Heroes and Stories” in our lives. However, it provided The Beckinator another opportunity to wax nostalgic for Old Time tee vee programs like The Mickey Mouse Club and Zorro, where you knew who the Bad Guys were. My eyes glazed over.

Tuesday’s show nailed my suspicion the week was canned. It was a Special, Exclusive, One Hour, Two-Handed Wankfest with Michael Bublé. Bublé has his fans and detractors, and, while I’m in the latter category, this program almost made me ashamed to be Canadian. However, the Health Care System compensates.

When I saw how the week was shaping up, I wrote my trusty editor and suggested “The Beck Year That Was” instead of my usual weekly wrap up. I’m glad she agreed because Thursday’s show was a repeat of The Glenn Beck All Christmas Hour, which had already been repeated the previous weekend. Friday’s show was, you guessed it, a repeat of a repeat of a repeat of a repeat of his Krusty Christmas Special.

However, I still sat down to Wednesday’s (pre-recorded) Wankfest. I’m glad I did because it was one of the most bizarre in a while. Not due to the content. A Wankfest is a Wankfest. It was because it was the first time I saw The BeckeTear crying in quite some time (though he had cried in the previously-aired Christmas Special, which I had not yet seen. What brought the notorious cry-baby to choke up this time? The mere introduction of his Special Guest for the hour, Jon Huntsman, Sr., had Blubber Boy almost reduced to tears. Who dat? He invented the plastic egg carton. “Some people say” this was not necessarily a good thing.

Because I had scant material to work with this week, I was glad my editor agreed to my compromise. So, without further ado, here is The Beck Year That Was, which goes back a lot longer than I’ve been covering him for News Hounds. While not exhaustive, these are some of my favourite Beckian moments of the year, the good, the bad, and the ridiculous.

As 2009 began, The Beck wasn’t even on the tee vee tube. He was on hiatus, as they say in Hollywood. No longer toiling on CNN Headline News, he still had to wait for his contract to expire and his new one with Faux Noise to take effect. However, before he even arrived, Sean Hannity was touting what a good fit Beck would be for the Unfair & Unbalanced network. Little did Scammity know how unbalanced Beck really is and that just a year later The Beckerheads would be encroaching on The All Red White and Blue Flag-Waver’s audience size. How unfair.

When, on January 19, 2009, The Glenn Beck Conspiracy Machine cranked itself into life on Fox, the first show featured an interview with then-Alaskan Governor Sarah Palin. And, as he introduced HER he almost cried, exactly like he almost did with Huntsman this week. A rare two-fer. It was probably the first time most people had seen the Beckster choke up. Crying; and/or almost crying; have all become ‘running gags’ on the All Comedy Terrific Hour.

By March, Beck was warning his viewers he could NOT debunk the rampant rumours of secret FEMA detention camps across the country. And, by giving NRA President Wayne LaPierre a microphone, pushed out the meme that President Obama wants to take away our guns, despite this suggestion never having been made by anyone in government.

Was it simple fear mongering? Without even a Cavuto Mark to hint at irony, Neil Cavuto obviously wondered the same thing when, in the same month, he had the following exchange with The Beckinator when he visited the Business Frolic Hour.

Beck: You and I have a fundamental disagreement on something.

Cavuto: You think we're going to hell in a handbasket.

Beck: You believe that it is your responsibility to make sure that you say, 'Hey-hey-hey-hey everybody!' I believe you're playing music on the deck. I'm saying, 'Get into the lifeboats!'

Cavuto: No, no, no. I am a realist and I look at it -- No, no no no. You are scaring people.

This exchange came not too long before the Department of Homeland Security began warning the public that Right Wing Extremism was also a concern for the security of the nation.

In April, Richard Poplawski allegedly shot and killed three Pittsburgh police officers. When the Blogopolis started to dig into his electronic background they found his attraction to Glenn Beck FEMA videos and expressed his fears that the president was going to take away his guns. Where could he have gotten such crazy ideas?

Another Great Moment In Beckian Tee Vee occurred in May when Whoopi Golderg, of The View, took in the view and declared right to his face that he was “a lying sack of dog mess.”

By June The Beck was blaming the Left Wing for the shootings at the Holocaust Museum despite the fact that the shooter was described in the press as a “geriatric neo-Nazi.”

Those who follow Beck extensively, like myself, know he’s a consummate actor. However, every once in a while, he lets his mask slip. In July the mask fell off compeletely when he had his infamous meltdown on his Radio Drama Theatre of the Airwaves. Remixers got busy.

By the end of the month Color of Change mounted what turned out to be a very successful advertiser boycott after Beck called the half Black President of the United States a racist with "a deep-seated hatred for white people or the white culture."

August proved Beck simply can’t spell, which mattered little to the mayor of Mount Vernon, Washington. Late in the month he proclaimed that September 26th would be “Glenn Beck Day” and, in one of those heart-warming, home-town-boy-made-good, tear-jerking stories that ‘Merkins love, would give him a key to the city. The protests began almost immediately and eventually the city council felt the need to distance itself from the event.

Late in September, Glenn “Froggie” Beck dropped a rubber frog into a pot of boiling water to prove a point. The point being that he can’t be trusted. He even showed how he had recorded some video of himself picking up a real frog to heighten the fake realism.

By the time October rolled around, Colbert came out with his full support for “The Silver Gopher” in a segment called Bend it Like Beck. As inspired and funny as it was, we might not be getting much more Beck parody from Colbert, who lamented later in the year, "I said [to the writers], 'Let's start doing some Glenn Beck stuff but in praise of Glenn Beck,'" said Colbert. "But every time we do one, he will have done something dumber. He raised the stupid bar and now it's nearly inapproachable."

Is it stupidity? Or just mendaciousness? I suspect the latter. In trying to smear President Obama, The Beckerator pushed a falsehood, also known as a lie, into the public sphere when he said that Nixon didn’t punish his enemies with the force of the government. While News Hounds has demanded a correction, so far none has been forthcoming.

Certainly the highlight of Glenn Beck’s year—and I’m sure he’d agree—is when I introduced myself to him at his Fort Lauderdale book signing in November. It had been touch and go whether he’d even have the honour of shaking my hand, when earlier in the month his appendix almost exploded on him. In what can only be considered Kosmik Karma, he was forced to be nursed back to health by members of the local SEIU, a union he has called “organized thugs,” both before and since, while brandishing a baseball bat.

Extreme rhetoric like this might be why the Anti-Defamation League bestowed the precious honour of Fear Monger-in-Chief on everybody’s favourite tee vee clown.

And, since it’s awards season, that’s not the only prize Glick has for his mantle. Media Matters for America, after winnowing out all the other great contenders, held an all-star banquet and presented him with the trophy for “Misinformer of the Year.” [I made up the banquet part.] Not to be outdone, Welcome Back to Pottersville has a list of The Top 50 Assclowns of 2009. Beck made #12 on the list, and he’ll have to work even harder in 2010 if he wants to make the Top Ten Assclowns.

Which is what he has pledged to do. The Beckitician has already promised that in 2010 he will unveil his 100 Year Plan, which includes reeducation camps (conventions) for ‘Merkans to learn civics according to Ben Gleck. This promises to be hilarious, but it’s not the only reason I am looking forward to his shows in the new year. He has announced many times that in the new year his show will be a different kind of show. I can’t wait to see how he “fundamentally transforms” The Glen Beck Money Machine™ for the new decade ahead.

With all my love,

Aunty Em

P.S. I am still looking for facefriends.

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