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The Beck Week That Was; The Christmas Sweat(er) Edition

Reported by Guest Blogger - December 7, 2009 -

Guest blogged by Aunty Em

Last week was to be a big week for the Glenn Beck Bank Account™ and his two, count ‘em, two books called “The Christmas Sweater.” Since this was the 2nd go-round for this piece of live schmaltz, he was calling the 2009 edition “The Christmas Sweater; A Return to Redemption.” In a nod to Frank Zappa, who died 16 years ago on the day I write these words, I am calling it, “The Return of the Son of The Christmas Sweat(er).”


“The Return of the Son of The Christmas Sweat(er)”would open WIDE, as they say in Hollywood, on 475 screens nationwide. If just 100 people per screen plunk down their hard earned $20.00, Beckereeno would gross almost a million dollars. When I met him a few weeks back in Fort Lauderdale, some 1200 rabid fans showed up to wait up to 6 hours in line for just 4 seconds in Beck’s magical presence. What wouldn’t they pay to be enveloped by his warm embrace in a movie theatre, with buttered popcorn on their laps? Based on my experience alone, I figured 100 fannies per screen was a conservative estimate, and told my buddy, Big Kaz so when we argued about it on the coffee shop patio. Kaz thought I was way off and there would not be big crowds at that price. Besides, there would be overhead. I reminded him that my estimate was conservative and people paid that much, and more, for Becky’s books. He deferred to my expertise. After all, Kaz isn’t writing a column.

But “The Return of the Son of The Christmas Sweat(er)” would not be until Thursday night and there were still all those tee vee and radio broadcasts for The Beckster to perform. And, like the performing monkey he’s become, The Beckster repeated all his usual tricks, with the usual results.

Monday’s show, the first following the Thanksgiving holiday, opened with him poking a little fun at himself. “Hello America. Welcome to the program. Glad you’re back. I’m a little heavier. I know you can’t tell and you wouldn’t have said anything, but I just admit it right now.”

Glenda makes lots of jokes about his weight. He obviously has weight issues, as he has referenced his double chin more than once, talked about how he only has one jacket that fits, and (strictly subjective) now seems to strut to the chalkboard a lot like Jackie Gleason: “And, away we go.”

The Monday Monologue was all about money woes. First he talked about Dubai, which he called “Vegas on steroids.” After outlining some of the country’s excesses, like a string of islands in the shape of the country’s symbol and indoor snow skiing in the desert, he said, “These are the only people in the world that makes us look Amish.”

Then he went on to compare Dubai to California with a little Freudian stumble that appears to show that (at least some of) the criticism is getting to him. Since it has become something of a YouTube sensation, I would be shirking my duty if I didn’t share it.

Oddly enough there was another moment, later in the show, that also appeared to show he reads his criticism. A few weeks ago, I lightly chided him in one of my columns for forgetting to use the word “alleged” when talking about a crime. Coming back from commercial he started in on one of his favourite topics, the SEIU and the beat down of Kenneth Gladney at one of the Teabagging Symposiums held earlier this year.

“He was attacked,” Drek began before making airquotes and using his sarcastic dumb voice for the next word, “allegedly by two SEIU thugs. I don’t know why we have to say that. We have them on tape.” Ellen posted an entire take-down on the segment, but it appears as if he does read (or has someone read it to him) what appears in the Blogopolis and on News Hounds.

Therefore, I ask, why hasn’t he retracted this nonsense yet? I have, as a reputable journalist for a reputable web site, caught him in a lie when he said, “And there was that Enemy List with Nixon, but I think the Enemy List – I believe - that whole thing? That was just who’s not coming to state dinners. [I] could be wrong.”

Anyone with just the smallest amount of knowledge about Watergate knows how wrong The Beckerhead is on this one. Nixon used the IRS, FBI and famous Plumbers Unit to go after his enemies. This is all part of the public record, of course, and are the bulk of the charges contained in Article 2, the Abuse of Power section of the Articles of Impeachment passed by the House Judiciary Committee on July 29, 1974 against Nixon, who resigned before trial. Look it up if you don’t believe me, Glenn.

In October, I pointed out how wrong Beck was and I am still waiting for a correction on his show. However, since it took him FOUR MONTHS to correct the record when he claimed Van Jones was a felon, I should expect to hear from him some time in February. Maybe he’ll make it a Valentine's gift and also send flowers.

But it was Tuesday's show (12/1/09) that demonstrated Beck’s flair for comedy, pathos and tapping into the cultural zeitgeist. Early in the show, in referencing President Obama’s big important Afghanistan speech coming up later that evening, Beck said, “Yep, about 3 hours from now, oh, I’m going to be tucked in for a long winter’s nap. There is a— We don’t know exactly what he says, or what he is going to say exactly, but he is guaranteed to hack off a ton of people within the first 5 seconds of the speech because he is preempting Charlie Brown’s Christmas. Oh yes. It’s a classic. Except I never really understood a single word Charlie Brown’s teacher’s had to say.”

Which must be why Obama isn’t listening to his generals, because they are talking like the adults in Peanuts. No. Really! That was his essential point.

In a voice filled with sarcasm and distain he asked, “Why would the president fall thousands short from a request from a general he appointed in the field? Unless… Oh, could it be? Are we so lucky? Do we have the most talented president who has ever walked the face of the earth? I mean this man is a gosh darned God-send. He is so smart. He apparently has a West Point education. Or maybe he doesn’t even need one. Maybe he just showed up and they said –Pfffft— you’re good. Don’t even worry about it. You’ve organized an entire community. You can certainly organize Afghanistan.”

And on he droned about Obama refusing to listen to his generals in the field. Then he added that the president didn' need to listen to the CEOs of car companies or the Secret Service, for that matter. People want to put Obama on Mt. Rushmore. Yadda yadda yadda. After some 15 minutes of this sarcasm and invective, he returned to his main theme of comparing real life to a Peanuts cartoon. No. Really. He did.

Dropping into his fake-sincere voice, and concern trolling for the poor children who will miss “A Charlie Brown Christmas,” Beck told all his little viewers that the president will preempt “the most politically incorrect scene ever on television…in a cartoon. Linus will step up on network television. He’ll step on the stage and say, ‘Lights please.’”

Ben Gleck pointed to a spotlight, and as if by magic, the director cut to Camera 2. At the same time the lights in the Glenn Beck Funhouse™ dimmed, giving off a dull red hue. Then, in a split-screen as if it had been planned all along, The Beckereeno was reciting Bible verse along with a cartoon character. No. Really.

I don’t know what it all means. I just know that I laughed until I wheezed.

This was also the monologue where he claimed his 9 Refounders are now 10 Refounders, those politicians in Washington willing to “rat out” their own party. I don’t know what that means either.

Tuesday’s show was memorable for another reason, a segment called “Anatomy of a Conspiracy Theory.” For the edification of his vast tee vee audience, he wanted to explain how a conspiracy theory is spawned. As he then spawned a new conspiracy, based on the White House gate-crashers, he told us this is the kind of thing people believe if they’re not given enough facts and don’t believe they are being told the truth. And, since we were not being told the truth about the White House gate-crashers, it was understandable that people would believe in conspiracy theories, even though they shouldn’t believe in conspiracy theories. At least that appeared to be his conspiracy theory on conspiracy theories. I have my own theory. People believe in conspiracy theories because they watch Faux Noise.

What made this segment hilarious (and hypocritical): Beckolino has been known to give his viewers just enough truth so they believe anything he says. Furthermore, the previous day he aired a new conspiracy theory on the White House Gate Crashers. In that segment he allowed his guests “Judge” Andrew Napoliano and Michael Flynn, of Big Gov Dot Com fame (think: Pimp & Ho Video) to advance a conspiracy theory that the White House was in cahoots with Bravo and NBC to promote a reality show. No. Really.

But Breck had his own (un)reality show to promote for Thursday. As advertisers continue to stay away from his Tee Vee Extravaganza and Variety Hour in droves, outside projects like The Return of the Son of The Christmas Sweat(er) are all the more important for the Beck Money Machine™. The best-selling books, the comedy tours, and the upcoming Beck & Bold & Fresh & Funny™ tour with Loofah Lad will all contribute hard dollars to the Dreck coffers. No doubt he’ll convert this to gold; continued sponsors on his show are outfits that’ll sell you this shiny metal for those apocalyptic times when your money’s no longer any good.

My mind started working the numbers. What if “Beck Broke Box Office” (as a headline in Variety might put it) and my conservative numbers were way too conservative for this gathering of conservatives? If he just pulled down $4200 per screen, he’d gross 2 million bucks, which worked out to an average of 210 people in the seats per movie house. That number didn’t seem unreasonable to me after having met all those Beckerhead's at his book signing a few weeks ago.

Imagine my surprise to lean that it was a Box Office Bust! (as Variety might have put it.) In some cities a mere 17 people showed up to hear The Breck Girl cry and sweat his way through his maudlin story of “The Return of the Son of The Christmas Sweat(er).” There actually may have been more protestors at NYU than attendees at some of the mega-plexes. However, as he has already proven, the numbers won’t really matter until we get the official tally once Beckocchio inflates it.

I have no doubt that the low box office is a direct result of the Harlem Gospel Choir dropping out of the extravaganza. As Priscilla pointed out, the reviews are in and it appears my unconventional spelling of “Sweat(er)” is closer to the truth than I ever could have imagined.

Admittedly, my prognostication about Thursday was way off, but I still had one good prediction this week. In my last column I said that Bleck would laugh off his sexist joke about not being Palin’s running mate in 2012 because he would still hear her even though she wasn’t in the kitchen. Looking into the future, I divined that he would say he was just baiting the Leftocracy, and, sho’ nuff, he used his web site [WARNING: NSFSanity] to say about himself in the 3rd person, “The point, of course, was completely lost on liberal blogs who then immediately jumped to report on it, as if Glenn were just making a crass joke and hates women. It’s so satisfying when they take the bait.”

Mind you, it didn’t take The Amazing Kreskin to have predicted that one.

With all my love,

Aunty Em

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