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The Beck Week That Was; The Case of the Missing Appendix

Reported by Guest Blogger - November 15, 2009 -

Guest blogged by Aunty Em

It’s hard to continue to put one foot in front of the other when you no longer know what not to believe in anymore. Due to his emergency appendectomy, Glenn Beck had been off the air an entire seven days. Seven days! That’s just enough time for God to create an entire Universe, and still have a day left over to get herself a pedicure.

While Beckteria lay convalescing in an undisclosed hospital, attended by the professionalism of SEIU members, the vast populace walked around with a vacant stare on their collective mugs. An entire world waited anxiously for Glenny’s return. From mud huts in Nigeria to thatched roofed cottages in Britain, from the dachas of Moscow to million-dollar mansions in Coconut Grove, from cute little Victorians in Toronto to the tiered hovels of Brazil, the sense of anticipation grew.

How would he react when he returned? Would he return filled with piss and vinegar after his rest? Or, would the bile that he normally spews have been removed along with his rogue appendix? Rejuvenated or neutered?

Anticipation was rife when it was announced The Becketeer would be returning to the airwaves on Tuesday. But it was not to be. Beck would need another day to convalesce, according to the SPECIAL BULLETIN dispatched worldwide. The collective gasp created hurricane winds in the Gulf of Mexico and Pops got his dinner on time because I hadn’t been note-taking during prep. I sure hope Beck returns soon because Pops has been getting used to not having his chicken burned.

And so it was with (frog) baited breath that I took out my clipboard Wednesday, hoping against all hope that Ben Gleck would reappear and all would be right with the world again.

As usual, ever the consummate performer, Glenda did not disappoint. The Fort Hood Massacre happened while he was away and, obviously, he had a little something to say and the target was, as always, the White House, willing to call Teabagger Quilting Bee attendees extremists but yet unwilling to label a person who hadn’t yet been charged with a crime, a Muslim extremist.

[Using his fake-sincere voice] Nadal Malim Hassan? No, no, no. He was just picked on. He was misunderstood. He was quiet. He was a good American. He just snapped. That’s what happened. He snapped and murdered 13 Americans. What? You can understand. He talked openly about his feelings before acting on them. [switching to incredulous voice] Then he snapped? Hmm.

[Back to the Ben Gleck Bile Voice we all know and love] I don’t really care. He murdered Americans in cold blood. And act of bold-faced, extremist Muslim terrorism. [Evil, diabolical laugh] Bwah-hahahaha. Maybe he acted alone. Then again maybe he didn’t.

Hey. Whaddaya say we use common sense, and we nurse this dirtbag back to health, ask him a few questions, then have a non-government investigator look into this whole thing to find out what happened? Then have him tried, in a fair court, and uhhh, if he’s found guilty, execute him? I think I can go home now.

Yes, he can go home now that’s he’s wrapped it all up for us. As far as Beck is concerned, this tragedy is nothing but Muslim extremism and political correctness run amok. The facts are barely out, and there still appears to be many contradictions in what I’ve read, but for Beck, finding out the truth is almost an afterthought. He’s going to label it Muslim Extremism and avoid the rush.

“He murdered Americans in cold blood.” Uhhh, errr, ummm, “Allegedly.” Right, Glenn?

The day I was hired as a writer in a tee vee newsroom the only advice I was given was, “Don’t get us sued.” I never did.

However if you’re, allegedly, not really a journalist you don’t have to worry about convicting someone in a sentence. I would have been fired on the spot had I not used the word “alleged” in a news story, but in Ben Gleck’s world everyone is a villain before all the facts are known.

We’ve not seen a new prop in a while and Thursday we were introduced to nothing more complex than a giant calculator. While he compared Cuba shutting off the power and smelly people in Venezuela to America’s march into Socialism, he cherry-picked numbers to prove the stimulus package and job creation are a fraud.

Just asking a few questions…with boldness: Where did those numbers come from? While he cited a Boston Globe article, where did The Globe get its figures? What do the numbers represent and, more importantly, was Beck using them properly? While I also have questions, I also never get answers. I could research it, of course, but isn’t it his self-described job to connect the dots?

Friday was another pre-recorded-show-in-the-can and it was hilarious. One can tell that Fridays are pre-recorded because he never reacts to the news of the day, no matter how huge it may be. With Gitmo prisoners being transferred to New York for trial, you know that if Beck was live he would have mentioned it. And, you can just smell that this will be the lede on Monday.

But that’s not why the show was hilarious. It made me laugh because it was another of his Phil Donahue like shows with a live (pre-recorded) studio audience. The entire group was composed of black conservatives, which Glenn assured us really do exist even though we never see them on the tee vee tube. Laughing yet?

There’s a reason we barely see them on the tee vee tube, except on Faux Noise but that’s a whole term paper in itself. The reason is because a less representational group of Americans you will never find, unless it’s Gay Quakers. I laughed at just the thought of how hard it must have been to beat the Bushes (pun intended) to find that many black conservatives. Ryan Witt at The Examiner must have laughed along with me. He points out how Politico said, “Fully 96 percent of black voters supported Obama….” But Beck would rather trot out some token blacks to show a totally non-representative group of people who are commenting as if on behalf of All Black Americans™.

And, as Witt also points out, isn’t it just a little racist to expect black Americans to examine the motives and feelings of other Americans, who just so happen to be black? (Allegedly, because we never actually see them.)

Just asking.

The newest book (I predict) coming down the pike from Glenn Beck Enterprises™ is called “The Christmas Briefcase.” It’s destined to become Beck’s next best-seller, if he can find a way to package it in a non-racist way. It is such a tear-jerking, teabagging, heart-warming, post-racial story of “The Worst Christmas Ever” that it would be a shame for me to paraphrase a single period, comma or semi-colon of this tale that really belongs to regular guest Charles Payne. (Maybe that’s what prevents Beck from publishing it.)

And, if you feel you can stand watching Glenn Beck make a fool of himself to non-black, non-conservatives as he tries to prove we are living in a post-racial, conservative society with one goal: to prevent the horrible Black Man in the White House™ from marching us into (gasp!) Socialism:
Part Two: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hQzmZAJbSyc
Part Three: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y2fyawBpSVs
Part Four: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wqr8pP35qH0

It’s pretty easy to make fun of Glenn Beck and I’ve been doing so for 10 weeks now. However, it now seems as though Beck Bashing has become something of a cottage industry. Jon Stewart, South Park, Saturday Night Live, and, apparently, Playboy have all taken a crack at The Beckster recently.

But my favourite take-down of The Beckereeno this week was by Isaac Eiland-Hall, the First Amendment Champion, who triumphed over Glenn Beck. Beck, you see, tried to shut down Eiland-Hall’s satirical "Did Glenn Beck Murder and Rape a Young Girl in 1990?" web site by using an international organization, The World Internet Property Organization (WIPO), to claim that “Glenn Beck” is a trademark. Why would Mr. Fear One World Government be petitioning an OUTSIDE tribunal instead of a good old court right here in the good old You Ess Eh?

When Eiland-Hall won before that One World Government body, he turned the site, and the keys to the site, over to Glenn Beck along with a wonderful letter, part of which reads:

“It bears observing that by bringing the WIPO complaint, you took what was merely one small critique meme, in a seas of internet memes, and turned it into a super-meme. Then, in pressing forward (by not withdrawing the complaint and instead filing additional briefs), you turned the super-meme into an object lesson in First Amendment principles…
Rather than choosing to strive for excellence and civic contribution, you simply pander the fears and insecurities of your audience. And in the process, you do them, and us all, a great deal of harm.
Shame on you Mr. Beck…”

So, as the world joins me in making fun of Glenn Beck, I have the opportunity to make fun of him at close range next weekend. I have just learned that on the 20th of November (appendix willing) he’s coming to a bookstore in my neighbourhood to sign one of his many best sellers for idiots. I have done some minor sleuthing only to discover that the only way I’ll get anywhere near The Beckerhead (and even this is not a guarantee of anything), is to have purchased one of his best selling books for idiots and get in line with the rest of the idiots. I’m not sure it’s worth spending the money or the time, but it might make for a fun column next week.

Or, maybe I’ll wait for the movie.

With all my love,
Aunty Em

P.S. Find me on facebook and I’ll friend you. Don’t and I won’t.