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Mailbox Unfunnies - A Very Special "Ask Kimberlee" Edition!

Reported by Chrish - July 6, 2006 -

Hey, all! I was lucky enough to win a guest blog here at my favorite site, Newshounds. Amazingly, all these fine letters came addressed to me, so I feel compelled to answer them...ok, not really, but go with me on this one.

The names are invented, but I have preserved the rather interesting, and often brain-busting, spelling/punctuation/syntax.

So put on your fancy thinkin' caps, and let's have some fun!

Dear Kimberlee,
You stink

Signed,
Pepe Le Pew

Dear Mr. Le Pew,

I truly apologize. I have a reasonable explaination, however. You see, my day is truly filled, and I often do not have the time for personal hygiene. As Terry Pratchett once quipped, "Where's my clean socks?"

But, to be honest with you, I have to get up ridiculously early to stand in line for my welfare check, then it's off to my Ted Kennedy Worship Hour, then off to kill babies for the remainder of the morning. THEN I have brunch with Cindy "Sin-Die" Sheehan.

After brunch (it's like breakfast, but it comes with a slice of cantaloupe),
I head off to my "I Hate George Bush" Club meeting, then I have a nap, then the evening is either 1. dinner with Michael Moore 2. campaigning for Al Gore or 3. my Pinko Commie meetings. So you see, I'm simply SWAMPED!

Oh, and my water has been turned off, as I am a Liberal and of course do not pay my bills.

Thanks again for your comment!
Kimberlee

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Dear Kimberlee,
If you whinny ass Liberals would stop sand just THINK (for once) you would rea.l;ize that they are RIGHT1 The LIBERAL CONGRESS For the past.30 YEARS NEVER (now don't start screaming and whinning, this was before the Republicans took over) and I do repeat NEVER! Did anything to STOP the Oil companies EITHER! MY GOD look. how many of your PARTY have interests in the OIL company. HOW MANY of you have SOME stocks in OOIL? HUH???? PAT Kennedy OWNS an OIL COMPANY for GODS SAKE!

WAKE UP you WHINNY ASS MORONS! BOTH (AND I DO REPEAT BOTH) Sides of the floor in Congress have dealings with those NASTY Oil Companies.

SO SIT DOWN AND SHUT UP!

Sincerely,
Lee Raymond
Former CEO, ExxonMobil

Dear Mr. Raymond,

Thank you for your letter! Up until this moment, I had truly believed that no one else was aware that Liberals had the ability to stop sand. Thank you for making me aware that this information has "sifted" out (a little sand humor there)!

But thank you for keeping me honest. I henceforth do solemly swear and affirm to sell all my stocks in OIL and give the money to Patrick Kennedy.

And never to whinny again.

So, I leave you with a quote:

It has always been the prerogative of children and half-wits to point out that the emperor has no clothes. But the half-wit remains a half-wit, and the emperor remains an emperor.
-Neil Gaiman, Sandman

Yours in Christ,
Kimberlee

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Dear Kimberlee,
I watch fox to keep an (eye) on you nut cases....

Sincerely,
Jeff Gannon

Dear Mr. Gannon,

While I am pleased you enjoy my continuining appearances on Fox News, I can assure you, sir, that I do not possess a "nut case."

I do, however, appreciate your enthusiasm and may possibly have a job available, if you are interested! If you read my response to Mr. Le Pew, supra, you'll see that my day is jam packed with activities, so much so that I cannot fulfill all of my Liberal obligations. If you would be willing to assist me with the Gay Agenda (Tuesdays and Thursdays), I can pay you with food stamps or, alternately, tickets to Al Gore's breathtaking documentary, An Inconvenient Truth.

As Calvin Coolidge said, "More people out of work leads to higher unemployment."

Call me!
Kimberlee

*********

Dear Kimberlee,
This is my first visit here, but it definitely has answered one question. The reason why so many democrats become Independents or Republicans. They become tired of lying, whining compadres whose only ambition in life seems to be to criticize.

Incidently, in the most recent Kennedy fiasco it would seem that another acorn fell close to the tree. A lot of similarities here with another situation where a young woman died as the result of daddy being behind the wheel.

As I recall "daddy" also had a lapse of memory. He ran like a turkey while the young lady drowned, but showed up the next day with an "insurance collar" around his neck and a flimsy excuse as to how it all happened. He got off scot free also.

Yours,
Zell Miller

Dear Mr. Miller,

It's an honor to have you writing me, sir! I was just about to lob spitballs at terrorists, but I have some time to speak to you!

You should know better, sir. Of course, you are correct that one of my main life's ambitions is to criticize, but that is nothing compared to how much I want to help the terrorists WIN! I do, after all, read the New York Times and drink latte, and ocassionally eat sushi.

I'm impressed with you, sir. Up until now, I only thought of you as an obsfucating blowhard with 5/1 odds at Ladbrokes that your head would explode within the next year. But I didn't know you were such a man of the Earth and the Soil, with extensive knowledge of how turkeys run and acorns fall. As the old saying goes, "Every oak tree started out as a couple of nuts who decided to stand their ground." Knowing this, sir, I am willing to follow you anywhere you go, to the ends of the Earth even! To protest at Those Who Committed Vehicular Manslaughter Whose Names Are Not Laura Rallies. And yea, even to the RNC.

My hat is off to you, Sir!

Yours in Patriotism,
Kimberlee

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Dear Kimberlee,
YOU ARE VERY SHALLOW AND PREDICTABLE

That's right, didn't have to spend 5 minutes on your site to know realize I would read the same drivel over and over again.

In a word, pathetic.

Love,
Bill O' Reilly

Dear Mr. O'Reilly,

I'll have to keep this short, as I really do need to take a shower as Mr. Le Pew suggested. I have purchased a brand new loofah and paid my water bill.

I'll seriously consider your comments, as you are a well-known expert on shallowness, predictability, and drivel. As Oscar Wilde once wrote, "Only the shallow know themselves."

However, I must INSIST that you stop calling me after 9 in the evening. Especially on Wednesdays. I watch Lost on Wednesdays.

Yours in Bloviation,
Kimberlee

**********

Dear Kimberlee,
Right, left or middle doesn't make a difference with you people does it? I thought my wife was bad about Fox News and Bill O'Reilly but ya'll have her beat by a mile. At least she acknowledges that there are some things she agrees with him on, ya'll won't give him a thing or credit for it either. Ya'll ought to be ashamed of yourselves and learn a little responsibility for your words and actions, and if someone does it right at least have the decency to say so. It sounds like ya'll been hanging around with that Olbermann guy and the Moveon.org people too much.

Ya'll should move on, ya lost the 2000 election and then the 2004 election, move on, don't worry, be happy.

Now ya'll have a nice day, and remember, only you can prevent forest fires.
Respectfully,
Smokey the Bear

Dear Smokey,

I promise you that Olbermann, your wife and I ALWAYS completely extinguish our campfires before we hike for the day. To Massachusetts. So we can all get married to one another. You got your invite in the mail, right?

Don't worry, you are now free to marry your armchair! I've seen the way you two look at each other..."Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter quite like unrequited love" Charlie Brown once said. I say "Go For It!"

And, you are right, we all feel deep shame for losing the 2000 and 2004 elections. We solemly swear to never attempt to participate in the democratic process again.

Your wife's new wife,
Kimberlee

PS, George Soros is TOTALLY paying for our wedding, isn't that awesome?!?!

**********

Dear Kimberlee,
What a joke

Ran into this Site & couln't help LMAO.

Is this another G. Soros funded, ACLU supported, or Michael Moore vomit?

Silly,, is all it is. Obsession w/Fox News? It kills you lefties doesn't it? Miss that old monopoly...

Well, get used to it!

Why not take Fox's ratings & progress as a hint?

Are all the millions & millions of people who watch Fox morons?

It's clear that Liberals will remain in that padded cell frame of mind for a long time to come!

Thank You for confirming ....

Signed,
Get a Brain! Morans!

Dear Moran,

The University of Maryland conducted a study in which they found that laughter may help prevent heart disease. Some evidence also shows that laughter increases T and B cells. So, when you enjoy your healthy heart, thank your lucky stars for Newshounds!

As to your second paragraph, why yes, all three of those individuals give me money on a regular basis (although they clearly do not pay my water bill)! You should see the Jaguar I drive, man is it ever sweet. As for vomiting, I do that pro bono, generally when I am confronted with a photo of Ann Coulter or anytime Michelle Malkin opens her mouth. Much like Pavlov's dogs salivating to a bell sound is my regurgitation of my foodstamp purchased salisbury steak.

Makes one consider taking up laughter. As Nietzsche put it, "Perhaps I know best why it is man alone who laughs; he alone suffers so deeply that he had to invent laughter."

As to your third point, I have to admit I do miss the old monopoly. Laws preventing an individual from controlling huge swaths of the media is so much less preferrable than the new monopoly, you know, the one run by Murdoch. I can see your point, though - some ephemeral "Liberal MSM Monopoly" which exists only in the head of certain Conservatives (conspiracy theory?) is much worse than one man (an Australian, no less!) owning dozens of newspapers, televisions stations, and MySpace!

And, I suppose I have no choice but to "get used to" the New Monopoly. As you and I are both aware, anytime anything happens that you disagree with, your duty as an American is to do absolutely nothing and to get used to it. Thank you for straightening me out, as I was laboring under the delusion that I had the right to protest and vote, and speak my mind. I guess the Liberal MSM Monopoly brainwashed me into that belief.

I was mistaken.

Yours in a Padded Cell,
Kimberlee

**********

Dear Kimberlee,
since you guys watch fox news so i dont have to i dont suppose you guys have anything positive to say about them. does your bigotry include bill oreilly also??? it seems to me that i watched him the other night and he is really supporting the sexual predator law and i suppose that to you folks thats wrong???? getting back to the congresslady from georgia.... i suppose you folks believe that it was racial profiling on the capital policemans part???? im glad that we live in america where free speech is a right because that includes your pathetic website remember that. cant wait for your whiney response. two questions for you..... is it just fox news that you have a hardon for????? which news station do you endorse??? im opened minded and watch different channels but fox news seems to me to hit it on the head more accurately than the rest.

Love,
Roger Ailes

Dear Mr. Ailes,

I am sorry to keep you waiting so long for my whiney response!

"Oh, wouldn't the world seem dull and flat with nothing whatever to grumble at?" ~W.S. Gilbert

Where to start? Firstly, I would like to thank you for your brilliant education in the complexities of the First Amendment. It is a truly wonderful country we live in, to be free to insult whomever we choose!

To answer your question, I obviusly have "hardons" for things other than Fox News - Communism, killing babies, sexual predators, and Al Gore's remarkable movie "An Inconvenient Truth" come to mind.

I am glad you are open-minded, however. Did you know that one defintion of Liberalism is "openness to new ideas?"

Yours in Bacchus (Liber),
Kimberlee

**********

Dear Kimberlee,
In November you will suffer an incredible loss at the polls.You are so filled with Hate you must lose and you will.So put on your Aluminum hats and continue to have no solutions and no hope.That is how we win.Thanks for the help.

Best Regards,
The Amazing Kreskin

Dear Kreskin,

My hat isn't simple aluminum, it is a very fancy thinkin' cap! And, because you are psychic, you should be aware that I am already wearing it!

I am astounded by your psychic ability to know the future. Niels Bohr said that "Prediction is very difficult, especially about the future."

But, becaues of your astounding powers of prediction, I am now filled with hope - the hope that you will PM me and tell me what next week's lottery numbers will be!

It Could Happen To You, too!
Kimberlee

*********

Dear Kimberlee,
I read your blog site from time to time and you people are scary nuts, you need to get a real job.

What is the matter with you people!

Signed,
spooked in Oregon

Dear Spooked,

My oh my, living in Oregon, I can see why you would be spooked! I at least hope it isn't effin' Portland! My granola-eating, Birkenstock-wearing sister-in-law lives in Portland, and let me tell you, that place is CRAWLING with Liberals. Liberals and the Homeless. And, you know, beause Liberals don't work, that's usually the same thing, LOL! As Mort Sahl said, "Liberals feel unworthy of their possessions. Conservatives feel they deserve everything they've stolen." I for one think Portland would be a much nicer place if they were run out on the rail to Hollyweird or Taxachusetts.

Wait, what were we talking about? Oh, right - what's wrong with me? I'm a scary nut, of course!

Booga Booga,
Kimberlee

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Dear Kimberlee,
Ah jes' wanta hep yew!

Tell you what. I will watch Fox News so you won't have to!

Love and Kisses,
Bill O'Reilly

Dear Bill,
You have got to stop calling me here. Not after 9, as I stated above.

Thank you.
Kimberlee

**********

Dear Kimberlee
I just saw your website about fox news. You're a fucking dork.

Sincerely,
The Cool Police

Dear Cool,

Bill Gates once said, "Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one."

Live Long and Prosper!
Kimberlee

**********

Dear Kimberlee,
eeeeeeeewwwwwwwwwww. Boy, do you people stink up the place. PLEASE email me back so that I may have the pleasure of relegating your response to my trash bin. Ple-e-e-ea-a-s-e? :)

Love,
MENSA Member

Dear MENSA,
I'll do you one better, and post your letter so all of the internets can read your brilliant and witty thoughts! As Shakepeare wrote, "Brevity is the soul of wit," a sentiment surely put into glorious force in the face of your statements.

This, fellow Liberals, is why we keep losing elections and why, of course, we should just get over it, already. The opposition has us outgunned in both brains and words. Why can't we think up insults as vast and subtle as "you stink?" Why can't we demand responses for the stated purpose of throwing them away?

My fellow Liberals, I am ashamed of us.

Yours in Shame,
Kimberlee

**********

Gentlemen:

Why is it that you seems to give a pass to so many liberals, but put down Ann Coulter, and other Conservatives?

What we need is less Liberalism, and more of Ann Coulter. Lighten up! Liberals are BORING!

Thank you.

Love,
Ann Coulter

Dear Ann,

I am a lady, and the Newshounds are ladies, but gender confusion is understandable from you.

It seems sad, and more than a little pathetic, that you would devote so much time and energy to people you find so boring!

After all, Conservatives are much more exciting. As William S. Borroughs said, "In the U.S. you have to be a deviant or exist in extreme boredom." Take Rush Limbaugh, who enjoys partying with Viagra in foreign countries. Or Cheryl Roberts, who made the RNC much more fun by inventing the "purple band-aid!" Or Dick Cheney, who thinks it's a hoot to drink beer and shoot his friend! And who can blame Jack Ryan, the one-time nominee for US Senate, for wanting to take his sexy wife, Jeri "Seven of Nine" Ryan to swingin' sex clubs? Neil Bush had sex with strange women who just happened to "show up in his room" during a trip to Tawain, now that's not boring AT ALL. I'd certainly like to party with Jeff Gannon. Or Neal Horsely, who likes to party with mules? Or Bernie Kerik, onetime nominee to Homeland Security, who improperly used city money and property to have adulterous sex, and recently plead guilty to accepting gifts as bribes?

More reasons that Republicans are more exciting than we boring Democrats: Bill O'Reilly, who showed us that sexual harassment is just good clean fun. Or Bob Barr, thrice-married with a penchant for licking whippped cream off the breasts of strippers. Or Bill Bennett, who loves to party-party. Or Newt Gingrich, who was so exciting that he wouldn't let his wife, recovering from cancer surgery, spoil his buzz! I could go on and on, but I have other letters from other fans to answer.

So, you see Ann, I concede your point regarding the boring nature of Democrats, and I understand why you would want to party with the Republicans. Perhaps, someday, when I have my own sex scandal, they will let me into the Republican Party (and WHAT a party!), but until then, I have to be content to watch from the sidelines.

Boringly yours,
Kimberlee

**********

Dear Kimberlee,
I have been laughing out loud since receiving your response to my bitch slap at you via email yesterday.

I accomplished what I set out to do. Firstly, you are so bored and have so few readers that you answered my castignation (lots of time on your hands?). Secondly, I brought you to the base level of name calling.....

I have been dealing with you scum since your mothers and fathers were overdosing on drugs and butt fucking each other in the Haight in 1968.

Your blood lines and genes are the vanguard of self destruction that follows the natural flow of where your loony lefties take you.

I love it that George W. Bush sticks his thumb in your watery eyes every day of his administration, and will continue to do so with the encouragement of the millions of real Americans like me who will see to it that you drown in your own shit...........

Did I remember to say Fuck you, Lefty ???

Love,
Fred Phelps

Dear Mr. Phelps,

You seem to be confused as to the basic mechanics of procreation, but this is hardly suprising given the current Abstinence-only atmosphere.

I am also pleased that you apparently have enough time on your hands to write not one, but two letters to me making fun of the time I have on my hands. As the great Douglas Adams once wrote, "Time is an illusion. Lunchtime doubly so."

I try to answer all my fan mail, and it's especially important for me to keep in touch with old friends of the family. My mother and father often speak fondly of you and the old days at Berkeley. Mom says that while she thought you were massively groovy, you seemed to have an inordinate focus on homosexuality, anal sex and excretion. I see some things never change, Fred!

And, for some reason, I find that quite comforting.

Party On,
Kimberlee

**********

Dear Kimberlee,
I don't read your site so no one else does either.

Love,
Not Actually Reading Site

Dear Not Actually,

We will shut down forthwith. You have made us see the errors of my ways, a sentiment I am certain the Newshound Ladies share with me!

"If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There's no use being a damn fool about it."
-W. C. Fields

You should consider writing Michael Moore the exact same message...

Knowing when to fold 'em,
Kimberlee

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Dear Kimberlee,
You have only hatred for capitalism and America in your hearts. You name any one issue whether it be abortion, war on terror, taxes, or the economy and I will specify why your wrong and Hannity and O'reilly are right. Id challenge you to a battle of wits but your clearly unarmed.

Yours,
Uncle Sam

Dear Sam,
Of course I hate America and Capitalism, I am a dirty Commie Socialist! I mean, duh! Keynes said, "Capitalism is the astounding belief that the most wickedest of men will do the most wickedest of things for the greatest good of everyone." I could NOT AGREE MORE!

The only thing I hate more than America and Capitalism is Christianity. And puppies. Oh, and apple pie. And little fluffy bunnies.

I can't stand fluffy bunnies, especially Capitalist fluffy bunnies.

Damn bunnies.

Yours in Lepusphobia,
Kimberlee

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Dear Kimberlee,
How much is George Soros paying you for this? Seriously, how much?

Sincerely,
Looking for a Job with Soros

Dear Looking,

A Bentley and a house in the Hamptons. Seriously!

Love and Kisses,
Kimberlee

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NOTE: GUEST BLOGGED by the fabulous KIMBERLEE