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Good Morning FOX Employees. Here are Today's Marching Orders

Reported by Marie Therese - March 2, 2006

To: Steve Doocy, Brian Kilmeade, E. D. Hill & Lauren Green.
From: The FOX News Management Team
Date: March 2, 2006.

Good morning, Steve, Brian, E.D. and Lauren! Here's what's on the agenda today. As usual the talking points listed below will be first introduced during your three-hour FOX & Friends block. After that they MUST be repeated over and over again all day long during all of our other shows. Our loyal FOX viewers rely on us to "look out for them". We don't want to fail them. Let's get out there and sell, sell, sell today's bullet points.

Remember, however, if you are caught on tape or called on your misstatements, lies and half-truths, the FOX News management will disavow you, dock your pay and maybe even fire you. So always remember - get the point across but not before you check your laptops for the latest from legal. This tape will self-destruct in 20 seconds, so there is no evidence remaining that we are actually the media arm of the Bush White House. Thank you and have a great day kicking liberal butt!

HERE ARE THE FOX NEWS TALKING POINTS FOR MARCH 2, 2006

President Bush Conserves Energy by Striking Historic Nuclear Deal with India
Your hook on this is that the newly negotiated compact with India means that that country will use less oil, thus leaving more of that precious commodity for American gas tanks. Downplay or just ignore the fact that Bush was unable to convince India to accept the Nuclear Non-proliferation Treaty, although you might briefly mention that he faces resistance in Congress over this issue. Be vague about exactly what issues might cause problems for this very necessary agreement. Play up the fact that it means more oil for us.

Bush's Conflicting Statements about Katrina Now Being Broadcast by Everyone in the World
Even though Bush has now been caught on tape making contradictory statements about his knowledge of Katrina (oh, OK, he was caught lying!), it's not so bad because Governor Kathleen Blanco of Louisiana falsely believed the levees were intact the day after Katrina struck. Make a big deal out of the Governor's incorrect statements. For legal reasons you must choose your words carefully in this matter. Always tell our viewers that the President did not ask any questions during the meeting. Drive home that the Department of Homeland Security said that before Katrina they knew the damage would be extensive and that the written transcripts of these video tapes have been available since October.

Mexican Drug Dealers and Coyotes Killing American Lawmen
Reiterate the FOX News message, i.e., that those dirty, stinking Mexicans are just getting too uppity for their own damned good. Now they're shooting our law officers in their desperation to get across our borders and take those low-paying jobs away from law-abiding, albeit much poorer, American workers. However, focus attention only on the few that are criminals. Using less inflammatory language, convey to our viewers that we are on their side, we care and we hope that the Senate Judiciary Committee hearings on the topic of illegal immigration reform produces a bill that will help the GOP maintain control of the Congress in 2006. While you can mention the fact that there is not enough money allotted in the budget to cover an extensive border presence, soft pedal it. We want to make those tax cuts for Mr. Ailes and Mr. Murdoch permanent!

Various & Sundry Murders, British Bank Heists, Car Chases, etc.
In addition to the Holloway murder investigation and Greta's smashing two-hour interview wtih Joran vander Sloot, we now have the sad and gruesome killing of the graduate student. Hype both of these cases. Use them as emotionally-charged fillers, to soften the blows that seem to be raining down on our hero, George Bush. We can always augment these type of reports as distractions, if needed. We've scheduled our very own Michael Baden and, of course, hype the teasers for the second part of the vander Sloot inteview.

George Bush's Bravery, Al Qaeda, bin Laden, Pakistan
As you know an American diplomat was just killed in a car bomb attack in Pakistan. Our sainted President has bravely said that the violence will not deter him from his scheduled trip to visit Pakistan. Play up the danger factor by questioning the loyalty of Pakistan's home-grown security forces. This makes Bush's decision look more courageous. If the subject of bin Laden comes up, it's a moot point, so just let the Christian News Network terrorism expert we've hired drone on and say whatever he wants to say about when or if we're going to capture the guy.

The Clash of the Clintons
Really play this one up. Bill and Hillary disagree on the ports issue. Be sure you always mention that Bill received $300,000 from the UAE as payment for his speech in which he praised the Emirates.

New Study Shows 33% of Returning Vets Seeking Help for Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder
We've got Jim Nicholson, Secretary of Veterans Affairs, scheduled to speak with you about this just-released Army study. It doesn't look good for our guys in Iraq and could reflect badly on the administration as well as dampen recruitment. It doesn't help that the rest of the media is reporting that the study concludes that 33% of our veterans are seeking some kind of counseling for PTSD. Nicholson will tweak the numbers and come up with a much smaller 12 percent figure that should ease the minds of our FOX viewers. As you know. we really wouldn't want them to learn how awful this situation really is and how little the Department of Veterans Afffairs is actually doing to help those with combat-related mental conditions. Mr. Nicholson will fall back on older, less catastrophic numbers. Here are some of the misconceptions being printed in the Bush-hating mainstream media like the Washington Post:

The accounts of more than 300,000 soldiers and Marines returning from several theaters paint an unusually detailed picture of the psychological impact of the various conflicts. Those returning from Iraq consistently reported more psychic distress than those returning from Afghanistan and other conflicts, such as those in Bosnia or Kosovo.

Iraq veterans are far more likely to have witnessed people getting wounded or killed, to have experienced combat, and to have had aggressive or suicidal thoughts, the Army report said. Nearly twice as many of those returning from Iraq reported having a mental health problem -- or were hospitalized for a psychiatric disorder -- compared with troops returning from Afghanistan.

*******

"Upwards of 80 to 85 percent of people serving there have witnessed or been a part of a traumatic event, including engaging the enemy, killing people, or friends or themselves being involved in IED attacks," [Steve Robinson of the National Gulf War Resource Center] said, referring to improvised explosive devices. "In Vietnam, there were safe areas where people could go to rest and recuperate. That doesn't happen in Iraq; every place is a war zone."

It's your job to help Mr. Nicholson sugar coat the results. We're counting on you. Nicholson's theme will be that the Department of Veterans Affairs is trying "in every way that we can to ... get these young folks to know that what they're experiencing is a common reaction to an uncommon life experience they've just had." When asked about why the Iraqi ves are so much more at risk than those in Afghanistan, Nicholson will say "They've been in that environment which is a very unusual environment and so when they have irritability or flashbacks or nightmares and so forth that it's very important that they understand that they're not going crazy."

Ex-Taliban Attends Yale
Downplay the fact that the guy is legally attending Yale University, that he has caused no problems and by all intents is living a quiet life, even has backed way off of his pre-9-11 ideological concepts. Accentuate that he's only got a fourth grade education and keep playing that great piece of tape where the FOX producer waylays him on his way to class and he threatens to call the police. Good stuff. Will make our viewers really angry.

Getting Fired from Work: It Happens to All, Laugh at It!
With today's unemployment figures showing higher than expected first claims we've got this neat little segment planned with the woman who's written a very funny book teaching people to laugh about getting fired. She'll have all kinds of cute stories about herself and famous people who say that being fired was the best thing that ever happened to them! A nice cheery message for those of our viewers who might be feeling the pinch right now.

UPDATE 3/3/06 2:42 PM EST

There was an error in the Taliban entry. The University should have been Yale, not Harvard as I originally wrote. It has been corrected.

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