"Campaign against Hum-buggery"
Reported by Chrish - December 8, 2005
The Colbert Report picked up where The Daily Show left off, ridiculing the FOX-induced "war on Christmas". O'Reilly, read closely. THIS is funny, unlike your so-called "satirical riff".
"American retailers are turning their backs on Christmas. This week my buddy Bill O'Reilly pointed out that places like Wal-Mart and Target are forgetting what people want. Jimmy, run that clip I brought in."
(Videoclip of O'Reilly from 12/5/05, talking to Neil Weinberg of Forbes Magazine)
"See I'm not gettin' Target. I'm not gettin' a lot of them. Wal-mart, I'm not gettin' ...'cause y'know, they market to the folks, y'know, people with a heavy emotion tied into the holiday of Christmas. They want to walk into the store and see "Merry Christmas." That's the litmus test."
"Christmas is when we most need a litmus test. That, and when you want to measure the acidity of a solution. Yes; when I go to Target, I want a dozen tube socks for $1.99, but what I really want is to see the words "Merry Christmas." If I don't see those words, I would walk right out of that store, except that is a fantastic price for tube socks. (Holds up package.) You cannot have enough of these - it's all I sleep in. (Audience cheers and whoops) Point is - keep it clean, it's the holidays, folks - point is, if it's December and I'm paying for something, I want every transaction to include some reference to the son of God. I mean everywhere I put money, no exceptions.
He does some silly references to parking meters, pay phones, and sidewalk sausage stands, requesting tinsel and red and green condiments (just add blue food coloring to the mustard - the ketchup is already red!)
"How hard is it, businessmen of America? And as for offending non-Christians? This is Christmas, the one time of year when we can offend them and they can't say jack about it."