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Mailbox Funnies - Cognitive Dissonance Edition

Reported by Nancy - August 12, 2005 -

Let's kick off the weekend early, with another installment of the emails we get the are obviously intended for someone else (usually, but not always, Fox News Channel). None of these were cc'd to us -- they were all addressed TO us, & only us, in the address line. I'm amazed at the effort some of these writers put into crafting a request or comment, only to send it to the wrong place. Anyhow, without further ado, I give you the latest selection -- with only the names deleted to protect the ignorant.

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Subject: (no subject)
Mr. President, you are aiding the enemies of America by your statements of "unjust war", and most everything out of your mouth. If you are so spiritual then you would know in God's eyes you are wrong. God preserved America for us, a just and religious people. Please stop these treasoness statements. I love America and she is doing her best under the circumstances and so is President Bush.

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Subject: heartland broadcast
Last night, July 30, there was a guest on the Heartland broadcast with John Kasich who has absolutely made me have to email you.  John Kasich is one of the most polite, mild mannered commentators ever in my opinion.
 The guest name was Joe - not sure of the last name - he is a Vietnam Vet.  He was rude, drunk, unAmerican, and a bully.  Please put him on with Bill O'Reilly.  This man needs to be taken down off his high-horse and O'Reilly is the one to do that.  Maybe the problems in Vietnam would have gone better if Joe had not even been there.  Hopefully there are not to many vets like this one.

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Subject: donald trump
Dear donald Im a poor Mississippi farmer in despearte need of your help i need some funds to help buy land where I live to sell and to support myself, my family as well as the people in my neighboorhood i m just a poor,black farmer who needs your assistance will you please email me and let me know your response

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Subject: re; Holloway miussing
Please get the authorities this message for me. I sent it to colberts comments, I dreamed a few weeks before hearing of the disaperance of "Natallie Holloway". I thought in this dream  I saw a beautiful  "blond headed"  lady teen in bottom of a cistern an "concrete well" an it had empty  ditergent and frabic softner bottle afloat of he body and the wate war in a  well was very clear, I could see my self trying to get her out with no succesl  Bow if the  Judge is refusing a  serch of his property and this well then if he  has nothing to hide he would not care. He would be cooperative. Get a search warrant and go the. Get permission to go there from the authorites. If any sewers are around search those als. and by all means disposal of detergent and frabic botles around the areas of hotels. This dream was like a real one to me, pls. publisj this to  the internation  decetives or any one as i feel this dream is a corect one. *** *** U.S. A.

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Subject: Paris Hilton
Dear Sir or Madam,
I very much enjoy your website and I have a couple questions to pose to you, not because you've posted similiar information on your site but because you seem like level-thinking people and there aren't many of us around. I'm a philosophy student but I want to be a satirist, writing short fiction and perhaps one day independent films. I'm currently writing a short story satirizing America's jet-set Leisure Class and our celebrity-obsessed consumerist culture. My protagonist is obviously meant to be a stand-in for Paris Hilton. I wonder if you had any suggestions for my story, or interesting factoids I should mention, regarding the estate tax or how we tax the rich less than the poor or anything along those lines.
Kind regards, ***

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Subject: (no subject)
You have really gone overboard with this Aruba case. We turn you on and all we see is the same pictures, same talk when interviewed etc....Very boring. Get some interesting news from here for a change and get off this topic for awhile.....

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Subject: why
WHY are we giving bin laden the praise that he wants every time you mention his name on tv you are giving him what he wants  he is not worth it he is a low life pice of sh---- the only place his photograph should be shown is the postoffice  or police dept. and we should not mention his name donot give the satisfaction he wants ***

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Subject: Please rewind your video tape on LA car chase.
Good Morning,  I was just watching the news on Fox and Friends of the LA car chase. It was mentioned that maybe a second person was in that vehicle. While watching the chase, I thought to me it looked like someone had jumped out of the car a few minutes before the suspect stopped his vehicle.
 It was around the area of the alley where he slowed down, and in the video, there were some trees, and it looked like someone running across the street, then the car slowed down to make a turn, and you'll see a dog there on the corner also where the car turned. so just before that turn, if you look real closely, it looked some one running from that car.
I may be wrong because it happened so fast, but I just had to write and thought maybe if you rewind the video, you might see what I saw.
 I enjoy watching Fox and Friends, I hope this information helps.
Sincerely, ***

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Dear Mr. Redford,
You recently contacted my dad (*** ***, the artist) for 3 outhouse prints with the footprints leading to the outhouse. My dad has misplaced the mailing address for which the prints are to be sent. We are sorry for the inconvience. Please contact my dad again with the address.
Sincerely, *** ***

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Subject: (no subject)
I would like to know why the compound that the van der sloots live in has not been searched, also nattlie has not been found and will not be until all hope is given up, she is being held somewhere till the searchers give up, she may still be alive, or dead and being held in cold storage locker somewhere on the Iland//////////
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Subject: (no subject)
Sean, I Have reason to believe that the Grand Old Course was violated by Tiger Woods on the second hole of the final round. (1) When he approached his ball on the green he squatted down and DID NOT place a marker
before he picked up his ball. (@) He then picked up his ball and placed it down in a DIFFERENT spot. (3) Then the most egregious act, of all he went thru the "motion" of picking up his "marker" and putting it in his pocket. I implore you to obtain a tape from ABC Sports and view this incident and take what ever steps necessary to restore the dignity to St. Andrews and all sports that Honesty, Integrity, and Good Sportsmanship is what playing sports is all about. Thank you for your consideration in this matter. Respectfully Yours, *** ***

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Subject: John Kasich
Dear John:  Who authorized at Fox News for you to feature the man who desacrated the  US Flag on your show without any real opposition to his act?  Maybe on El Jazeera but not on Fox in the United States.  He was promoting his "art work" or was there money involved?
A disgruntled Fox fan from Houston, Texas 

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Subject: cover up in aruba
I for one  am tried of the cover-up in the no name slime pit of Aruba. I think its time that the white house made a few phone calls and let these people know that we will not leave anyone behind. Where is the " we will find them and bring them to justice" President in this case why has he not even talked to the family of the missing girl. surely there is pressure that can be put on this bunch to demand that they do what is right. Maybe the reason they don't want certain places searched in Aruba is that they have weapons of mass destruction hid there. Come on we all know that these people are just waiting for the family and the press to leave so they can turn this big shot punk back on the street to kill some other American. Mad as h--- in Alabama

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Subject: (no subject)
Your are the pioneers of Satellite TV in sky of south Asian Television Range (STAR), which change the life style of millions of Indians . Further one more kohinoor is awaiting from your part in shape of DISH TV or DTH. As
you know at present only DishtV of Zee group in this field.
Following two models could take place, it depend on you which models will keep remain for longer time model 1 or 2.
1. dish antenna set-top-box (common in all for DTH) [xx] you have added you bouquet and all possible schemes.
(Zee Dish TV welcome group or others, DD Direct Plus), in future TATA STAR+ SPACE TV)
2. dish antenna+set-top-box (common in all for DTH) [xx] consumer wants [xx] common in all DTH, subscription ship of per channel like prepaid/postpaid card mobile phone systems (where mobile phone is common and you can change the card, which is suitable to consumer, i.e. airtel, bsnl, tata,hutch etc.)
Hope you will launch your DTH in shape of Model 2, which gave more freedom to viewer. After all viewer choice is more important than any thing else. Thanking your and looking forward for better world for viewer and your
company also. *** ***

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Subject: Stunned by your report!!
Namely the inaccuacies, your special correspondent made a great deal about Europe giving passports out to all and sundry which would enable terrorists to travel to the United States without vetting. Well that is not true, how do I know? Well my father moved from Ireland as a boy to join the British Army. He has served for other thirty years with the British Army completing three tours of Northern Ireland in support of Britons war on terrorism there (May I add the US has not extradited one single terrorist from the US to the United Kingdom) and was decorated in the New years Honors list for his service to the United Kingdom rising from the ranks of a private to a Major. His Status in the UK is one of that of a British Subject, unlike me who holds the status of British Citizen. My Father was looking to go on vacation to the United States a few years ago and was told  he would have to apply for a visa as he was not covered by the visa waiver programme, despite him working with the US armed forces during the Gulf war of 1991-1992. If you are so pleased about persons who are so suspicious being pulled of a plane at Shannon Airport for not having the correct documentation, may I suggest that you have some words with Oliver North who works at your news station, given the fact he bought a Passport from a corrupt official at the Irish Embassy in London to carry out arms deals with Iran (Now on the Axis of Evil) rather than harris law abiding travelers. Don't believe me? check here http://www.usembassy.org.uk/cons_new/visa/niv/vwp.html