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Moustache, Schmoustache

Reported by Nancy - April 22, 2005 -

With all the hubbub about John Bolton's nomination to be US Ambassador to the UN, I thought our readers might enjoy Andy Borowitz's typically skewed take on the topic. It seems as good a way as any to start the weekend early.

So here's the humor -- & please remember, before you rant, that's the category:

Frightening Facial Hair Called Nominee's Most Potent Weapon

John R. Bolton, President Bush's nominee to be ambassador to the United Nations, told the Senate Foreign Relations Committee today that if confirmed he would use his terrifying moustache to scare America's foes.

"America needs something scary to frighten our enemies," said Mr. Bolton, pounding the table with his fist. "As God is my witness, I believe that my moustache is that scary thing."

While Mr. Bolton has repeatedly stressed his experience in the field of international politics and policy, today he made it very clear that he considers his unnerving facial hair his most potent weapon.

"I dare anyone to look at my upper lip and not quake with fear," Mr. Bolton said.

But Mr. Bolton's alarming, walrus-like moustache may prove to be a double-edged sword in his confirmation hearings, as a former assistant secretary of state testified today that Mr. Bolton repeatedly used his disquieting moustache to bully intelligence analysts.

"I was working on an intelligence report about Cuba's weapons and he would sneak up behind me with that creepy moustache of his," said the official, Carl W. Ford, Jr. "I still have nightmares about it."

But Mr. Bolton received a vote of confidence from a key supporter, Vice President Dick Cheney, who told reporters, "I think anyone in his right mind would rather have John Bolton's moustache working for America than against it."

Elsewhere, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales said that a Wisconsin proposal to hunt feral cats may be unconstitutional, but said that under certain circumstances it may be permissible to detain the cats and torture them.