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Let's Keep the Heat on O'Reilly

Reported by Nancy - October 25, 2004 -

Since Fox still isn't reporting on the sexual harassment suit filed against Bill O'Reilly with anything approaching its usual endlessly drooling speculation (think Scott Peterson, Kobe Bryant ...), I thought we might as well cover it from another angle. Please note the category: this is meant to be FUNNY.

This is from one of my favorites, Andy Borowitz:

Settlement Talks Stall

Fox News personality Bill O'Reilly attempted to settle his former producer's sexual harassment suit against him today by offering her $6 million, but settlement talks stalled when Mr. O'Reilly asked her to bathe in the money naked, sources say.

According to one source, after lawyers for both sides agreed on the $6 million settlement amount, Mr. O'Reilly was "adamant" that he make the offer personally by phone. "The lawyers tried to talk him out of it," one source close to the negotiations said. "Bill O'Reilly and a telephone are a dangerous combination."

According to a source who witnessed the call between Mr. O'Reilly and his former producer, the Fox News host whispered into the phone, "I'd like to fill a bathtub with $6 million in crisp dollar bills and then listen to you roll around naked in it."

"The next thing we heard was a click and a dial tone," the source said.

Mr. O'Reilly had to be talked out of his original settlement offer, sources say, which entailed paying his former producer $6 million in exchange for "unlimited anytime minutes" of hot steamy phone sex. The proposal, which Mr. O'Reilly called the Fox & Friends & Family Plan, would have enabled Mr. O'Reilly to place sizzling phone calls to his former producer on a more or less round-the-clock basis. "Compared to that, the bathtub idea sounded reasonable," the source said. "But I guess it's back to the drawing board now."

Elsewhere, a new Florida poll shows President Bush winning the state by twenty thousand lawyers.