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O'Reilly Not a Factor

Reported by Nancy - October 21, 2004 -

Since FNL seems unwilling to devote hours of air time & endless speculation to the sexual harassment suit against Bill O'Reilly & his countersuit -- although they're perfectly willing to continue blathering on about Scott Peterson -- I thought I'd help them out.

Here are a couple of humorous takes on the situation. Again, before you rant: note the category, "Progressive Wit" -- this is meant to be FUNNY.

Here's how Andy Borowitz sees the "issue", as it were:

Heavy Call Volume Cited

Fox News personality Bill O'Reilly announced today that he has outsourced all of his phone sex activities to India, citing "heavy call volume" as the reason behind the move.

Starting this week, all phone sex normally handled by O'Reilly will instead originate from a calling center in Bangalore, the television host confirmed. "There's a time & a place for everything, & when it comes to phone sex, the time is any time & the place is Bangalore," O'Reilly told his television audience.

At the Bangalore calling center, Surjit Khera, 31, was one of many employees undergoing a 3-week training program to help him approximate O'Reilly's phone-sex technique. "It is very hard to be as sexy as Bill O'Reilly, but I am endeavoring to do so," siad Khera. Additionally, an automated "sexbot" will start calling random US phone numbers from Bangalore, using O'Reilly's recorded voice to guide the listener through a series of automated prompts. "Press 1 if you would like to hear how I fast I'll get a couple of glasses of wine into you," the sexbot purrs. "Press 2 if you would like to hear about the naughty fun we'll have in the tub."

Partially in response to the heavier-than-usual call volume, the FCC announced today that it would establish a new "do not call list" specifically for consumers who are grossed out by the idea of O'Reilly calling them.

Elsewhere, independent candidate Ralph Nader said today that he was considering dropping out of the presidential race to focus on wrecking Christmas instead.

And here's the way The Onion weighed in on this weighty issue (for readers not familiar with The Onion, it's all satire/parody; this means everything is MADE UP).

Last week, a Fox News Channel producer sued Bill O'Reilly for sexual harassment, alleging that the cable host pressured her into phone sex. What do you think?

Peggy Knight, Art Teacher "Someone's coming at Bill O'Reilly with lurid public accusations of a heinous personal nature? Wow. Sometimes life can be so... fair."

Jonathan Warren, Announcer "He wasn't sexually harassing her. He was just looking out for her, like he's doing for all of us, all the time."

Shawn Jiminez, Assessor "No wonder it costs $3.99 a minute to call in to 'The Factor.' "

Curtis Fletcher, Systems Analyst "Whether Andrea Mackris' claims are true or false, one thing is certain — that woman is never working for the vast right-wing conspiracy again."

Andy Vaughn, Clerk "This is just another example of the liberal media's bias against self-destructive, narcissistic, screaming sexist assholes."

Cindy Beck, Food Scientist "Just once, I'd like to hear about a sex scandal with honest-to-God penetration."