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Fox vs Second Coming

Reported by Nancy - September 14, 2004 -

The title of this satire/parody piece was too good to pass up: Fox News Interrupts Second Coming for "Important" Bush Documentary

Fox News Interrupts Second Coming for "Important" Bush Documentary

The widely anticipated Second Coming of Jesus Christ was announced on TV, radio & internet news outlets all over the world during a press conference held by Vatican officials, who described in great detail the several year process they have gone through to ensure the accuracy of claims made by a 32-year-old Akron, OH man named Stephen Anderson, who came to the Vatican in 1997 to introduce himself as the Savior. Having provided irrefutable proof that Anderson is indeed the resurrected son of God, Vatican officials turned the microphone over to Christ (Anderson) himself, & allowed him to deliver his message of peace & love.

Approximately 4 minutes into his speech, Fox News, which had been carrying the press conference on a 10 second tape delay, cut Christ off in mid speech when he directly endorsed Kerry for President & lambasted the Bush administration as lacking any sort of moral compass. In what could only be called a tirade, a clearly pissed-off Lord first assailed Bush for his role in the theft of the 2000 election, & then went off on a variety of topics from women's rights, gay rights, the environment, health care, & the economy. But none of this was heard by viewers of Fox News, who were instead shown a feel-good documentary about the current President, which claimed to show indisputable proof of how Bush & his administration had "saved" America in spite of itself.

After the dust had settled from the press conference, Fox News, known as the official channel of choice for both Christians & Republicans everywhere, was assailed with questions about their stance being so diametrically opposed to that of Christ himself. In response, the Republican Party & Fox News issued a joint press release questioning the wisdom of as they called him, "this new & improved politically correct Christ," saying that he was "clearly on Kerry's payroll", & had "allowed his message of peace to blind him to the plight of real Americans." Noting that Christ "probably doesn't even own an American flag," they assailed this "kinder, gentler, wussy Christ" as "out of touch with reality & real Americans like George W Bush." In summation, they claimed that Christ's message of turning the other cheek would "make us unsafe from terror" & that his message of love & acceptance of all people particularly those practicing the "aberration" of homosexuality, would "destroy one of our most important institutions -- that of marriage" & suggested that His Father should "set him straight, no pun intended."

Surprisingly, a Gallup/USA Today poll out only hours after the controversial press conference & rebuttal shows that Bush now holds an 8-point lead against Kerry. The poll also asked Americans who said they consider themselves Christian & were planning to vote for Bush, who they would worship now that their political views precluded them from worshiping Christ. Not surprisingly, 92% said they would continue, as they always had, to worship the other "Almighty", i.e., "the Almighty Dollar".

In a related story, logic has been declared officially dead today. Apparently, logic had been assailed by unbelievably positive poll results for Bush despite his abysmal record. Logic has been in declining health since Bush, who pulled strings to get out of Vietnam & then went AWOL, & his VP Cheney, who received four college deferments from Vietnam & then got his wife pregnant solely to receive a fifth deferment, began to reap political benefits by questioning the authenticity of Kerry's 2 tours of duty & five decorations from the Vietnam conflict. When the most recent poll results went in the opposite direction that logic would predict, it became clear that logic had died a slow, painful death. Logic was 4,517 years old & will be sorely missed.