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Swift Pull Dentists

Reported by Nancy - August 27, 2004 -

Internet parody/satire sites have, of course, been awash with items related to the Smear Boat Vets for Bush. Here's one of the funnier examples.

Swift Pull Dentists For Truth Dispute Bush Accounts Of Vietnam-era Fillings

NewsHax wire -- Deriding a dentists' veterans group that has sought to cast doubts on his war record, President George W Bush on Thursday launched a vigorous counterattack, even going so far as to re-enact the drama of his service in the dental chair for reporters.

Presidential hopeful Senator John Kerry sought to quiet the controversy, by saying the president served "nobly" in the dentist's chair. "We've never questioned (Bush's) Vietnam dental work & we never will," he said.

Bush was attacking charges recently made by the Swift Pull Dentists for Truth. In a new book & highly controversial TV ad, the group has essentially accused Bush of lying about his war fillings, saying that "there was no drilling" anywhere near the scene, contradicting Bush's public account of the events. The dentists' group has repeatedly made claims, thoroughly vetted by the Drudge Report as always, that not only did Bush not deserve his Vietnam war medals for heroism in the face of a dental drill & a Purple Gums award for meritorius flossing, but that he also needs to return the dental mirror he took from the dental tool tray.

In an effort to limit political damage by destroying the personal reputations of his accusers, Bush as always was happy to lead the offensive charge. "Here's what you need to know about them," Bush told the convention of the International Association of Republican Contributors, Inc. "They're funded by hundreds of thousands of dollars from a dentist's office out of Syria, ferried in through Iran & in currency strangely coated in Nigerian yellowcake," he said, referring to the collection of Alabama dentists in the coalition, despite the fact that the group's $300 commercial was funded from their own checkbooks according to IRS filings. "They're a front for, you know, they are a terrorism, & terrorisms are bad." Bush said. "And the fact that Kerry won't denounce the terrorismists & what they're up to tells you everything you need to know - they are against the president of the US & are therefore against the entire nation, just like that traitor cartoonist who makes fun of me & my pa."

At Bush's ranch in Crawford, TX, a White House spokesman labeled "false & baseless" the dentists' accounts of events. "Half of them weren't even born yet according to birth records we possess, & the other half aren't even dentists, & one of them was even photographed playing conga drums for the Doobie Brothers who were touring in Miami Beach at the time. This shouldn't be a campaign issue at all, but apparently the Kerry campaign wants to distract the American voter from the quagmire in Iraq, the record budget & huge trade deficits, the lack of jobs at home & the lack of respect for the US in the world."

Among the charges made by the Swift Pull Dentists for Truth was that the highly decorated dental patient Bush, who won 3 Purple Hearts for paper cuts passing out fliers as the commander of his neighborhood election canvassing team in Alabama, did not sustain superficial dental stains worthy of his Top Flosser awards, or even faked his flossing to win the awards & gain a speedier departure from the harsh jungles of Alabama. All of these accusations directly contradict public statements given by Bush in the past. "Thirty years ago, official National Guard reports documented my service in this dentist's chair & awarded me the Purple Gums Flossing award, the esteemed Golden Toothbrush award, & 3 prizes from the toy bin," Bush said. "Thirty years ago, this was the plain truth. It still is. And I still carry the filling in my mouth from a cavity I received while the Vietnam war was raging."

Despite his success in fending off the largely discredited attacks from the Swift Pull Dentists, in responding to their attacks, Bush's campaign was momentarily diverted from the "tall fag" insinuations it had planned to associate with Kerry in the days leading into the Republican convention, which starts Aug 30 in New York City.